Anthology of Snippets

It has been quite a busy week for me.. Weeks actually. I would like to apologize to Teacher Julie for not being able to answer the previous questions. This time, I felt like I should answer right away before the next time I blink I’m already receiving the next question. The question for this week is:

What comes to your mind and what do you feel about the lyrics of the song “Welcome to My Life”?

I am a lyrics person. It has been a habit of mine to make sure I listen to the lyrics whenever I can, and in most cases, I tend to appreciate the song due to its lyrics and melody. When “Welcome to My Life” by Simple Plan first hit the airwaves – MTV – I immediately connected with it. It felt like somebody actually understood me. Ironic isn’t it? But somehow it made me say, “yeah! Welcome to my life!”

I may not exactly have a “hard childhood” as I had a decent roof above my head, food to eat, relatives who cared and loved me. But what chewed on me greatly was the fact that I grew up in a broken home. Some people thought “she is so lucky she has her grandmother” but people will NEVER understand how hard it was growing up without your folks. Sure, my mom visited me once, twice, or thrice a year, but the fact is, every time my mom came to visit, I just wish I could run and hide – get away. More so when my father finally tried to contact me.

Wishing death, well there’s a thought. I’ve had countless times where I attempted to take my life. In fact, I believe I was convinced that I would not live to see my college graduation. Death seemed to be the best answer. But as you can see, I’m still here.

Somehow it took me over 16 years to forgive my mom, and over 23 years to totally forgive my father. Oh sure, I knew their reasons for whatever they did, I understood clearly and perfectly. But since both of them somewhat shut me off their life when I was just 2 years old, nobody bothered to care whether or not I was sane. In most cases, children like me turn out to be rebels, deviants, and wayward youths. In a way, I think I was that. But thanks to my grandmother, I learned how to be proper when I’m supposed to be, strong when needed, and I learned greatly to cover my tracks. I drowned my sorrows in badminton training, reading, music, TV and movies.

School was no consolation either. Facts hurt the most when it came to family day and I had no parents who would come. And even PTAs since nobody was there. Those things, plus the fact that classmates kept making fun of me because I was fat, dark, hairy, and that I am DUMB. In fact, there was this person who asked me back in high school who was incredulous when he found out that I was in the First Section. He just couldn’t believe it. I didn’t believe it either – like what they said, DUMB. So I just waited until I would get transferred to the other section. Even my closest friends tend to be the hurtful factors since whenever I felt down, pushed, or trampled on, or even when asked about my family, I CRIED. When I cried, my friends and classmates rolled their eyes and say “you’re so emotional..” “OA..” “there she goes again..” stuff like that. Who wouldn’t cry even more?

I think I would have died. But the words of an uncle keep coming to my mind as in instances where I was almost taking my life. He said, “That’s okay, you’ve got to show THEM that you can live without them, you can manage without them, you can survive without them.” Wise words, and it has been a driving force since then. Somehow it makes me understand why my mother [since we're friends now] keeps pointing out that I have this tendency to taken on everything, not trust a lot of people, make sure that I can stand. What can I say? At least I survived, and it could be the reason why until now, after all I’ve gone through, I still haven’t cracked.

But not everybody can survive. As proof, the deaths that Teacher Julie posted [HERE and HERE] are indication that without the proper help, support, and understanding, some souls just cannot stand the pressure. And my heart breaks for them.

Another thought comes to mind with the song. A huge concern for me really. As I understand how life feels when everything goes downhill and confusing, I fear for these two:

Loverboy & Aftertaste

Nico and Jojo, my cousin and my brother, respectively. Life has dealt them with a hard hand. Although their lives started as peachy keen compared to my life, but now I can see all the warning signs that are flashing about. I can see them visibly thrashing under their confusion, angst, and all other pressures. But unlike the road I opted to tread, they have somewhat chosen a different path. Sure, I drank, smoked, and partied when I was younger, but I when I went out, when my grandmother said “HOME!” I skedaddled. I rebelled, but I did not break rules (bent them to breaking point though) unlike what they do. I have tried so hard to reach them, and before, I think I was able to do just that. But that was before I got married, before I got pregnant. As soon as I gave birth, got a job, and got married, suddenly, I became “ONE OF THEM.” The adults, the nutcases who just don’t understand. They still trust me, I know, but by being an adult, I have seen certain things in the adult world that make the adults the way they are. Despite this, I still want to reach them and take care of them. Because somehow, I ultimately fear that if I had pulled back from the act of dying just in time, I shudder to think what if their depression just gets pushed off the edge.

It’s hard. I want to help. But I’m here..and they’re far from me. And they are refusing my help.
So what does the lyrics remind me of? Basically my life, and most importantly, the two above. And whenever I hear this song, I cry for them – not for me – but for them.

It's MINE!!, Tales from Home, Thoughts life, lyrics, meaning, songs