just something..
I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody
— Bill Cosby
searching for my blankie and toy
it has been ages since i grew out of my blankie. ive been apart from it, and have managed life without it. but now, i long for the comfort of my blankie.
my blankie consists of my friends the BuLuYaGoNz. how i miss them so…! i wish they could hear me now.. i wish they could offer that warm hug i used to get. i wish i could feel that pat on my back saying “kaya ra na nimo, lurch” [you can do it, lurch]. hearing them say that makes me feel stronger, and it makes me feel okay.
for years they have been there for me… they have been there for me more than my family has. before dhirrac, they had been my strength, and my courage.. and they provided the smiles, the care, and the comfort. and yes, i sorely miss them.
i wish i could tell them i miss them. but somehow they are too far for me. they have gone on with their own lives. i would be selfish if i asked them to wait a while and listen to me whine. and so.. there they go.
i guess i count myself lucky there’s one here next to me.. she’s the only one left around me. but even she has her own life. i feel shy about opening up much to her nowadays.. by nowadays, i mean since we worked at prison camp. i know.. everybody else is busy with their lives. and despite the fact that we see each other everyday. i cant help but say.. i miss you. by that, i mean, i miss just being free and talk. hehe oh well…
my toy consist of my email friend. somebody in JP. a four eyed nut who philosophizes with me frequently. she used to be a person whom i see almost everyday. but now she has become my temporary email friend. we still get to converse online. but i guess it is different. besides, sometimes you run out of things to say on the net. even more so when we met in person.
things change. i know. i have to accept it. i guess this means it’s just me, myself, and i , for now.
drown your sorrows…
in high calorie food.
i am on to my sixth chocolate bar after downing 4 chocolate cookies. after this, im going to hit a whole bag of Rinbee. pathetic. i know. i can’t help it. i have that urge to either fill myself up with high calorie food, or go crazy. obviously, ive chosen the former. i just wish i have a bottle of vodka or ice cold beer.. or a liter of Coke.. it will do.
yes, yes, i am.. i am heartbroken. not love-wise… ehrr.. other-wise? hehe or for all the unfair reasons the world has pit on me.
i am….. broken hearted.
life is unfair. it always has. but i cannot put my finger on any reason making me understand why it has to be unfair this time. yet… somehow.. i guess i have always known that this is still my fault. whatever it is.. it is MY fault.
as what i told the second spied mom, “in most cases, barrels of money goes to those who already have a lot of money sitting somewhere, whereas those who need it badly get nil.” agree..? she simply laughed. life is like that i guess.. it taunts you when you are at your lowest point, and makes you hate yourself more – if you allow yourself to, that is.
i am happy others have been blessed. i honestly am. good for all of you! but please understand.. i am simply brokenhearted, frustrated, confused, and angry at the same time. [you could add in jealousy with that too!]
[Tales from Home] of course i remember you..!
i know sometimes i take you for granted… and there are times u think i dont care. truth is, i do.. i always have.. and i dont think that is going to change.
i know there are times you think u have brought me down.. and sometimes u think that u are the wrong “thing” in my life. i assure you, u are not.
and there are times you think i come home just because of the kids are there. and sometimes you feel that your use is simply as a caregiver. but u are wrong… no words can express how much you mean to me… and no words can express how much i appreciate what you do.. thank you.. and here is something from me to you..
~~~
Love Poem
Sonnet XLIII From the Portuguese
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning~
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, — I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! — and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
~~~
me? not remember you? my stronghold, my strength, my heart, and my love.. of course i remember you!!
I LOVE YOU.
[i dream, merlion] a musing here and there
after so many recurring dreams of the merlion, i had become happy over the past few days. that was until a load of bricks fell on me and wedged my tail before i could attempt to swim for Atlantis. in my predicament, i knew i was saved from yet another reckless move.
a second later and i think it would have been too late. i had everything planned to a “T.” well, almost all of it anyway. still, i had enough. until a nasty realization hit me. if i jumped in now, who would take care of the kids and dhirrac? if i just jump in ASAP, how will they survive? i realized that i could not simply go without making sure that everything was okay, and that they would be able to manage without me. i know i wont be okay, but thinking that they are at least okay will be a comforting thought.
and so i guess i should take my time. i get that way sometimes, rushing off to do things without thinking much about anybody else. jumping on the next coach in sheer excitement. but now i realize… of course i can still do things, but i have to consider others as well..especially my family.
what introduced these realizations to me was when i almost asked somebody for help today because frankie and sophie are sick. i needed money for their medicines as i was down to my very last two hundred. yet even before i could even ask if i could borrow probably 500, i saw her make a face. and that was that. i discarded the idea and used what was left. good thing though was that the money was just about enough. the medicines cost 168. that left me with 32 pesos. good enough to go to work, snack, lunch, and come home at night.
*sigh* that sure woke me up. if nobody would help me.. while i am still earning.. how much more if i was no longer around? who would take care of the kids and dhirrac..? who would be there…? how will they manage? and so i have decided… before i jump ship, i must leave them with a chest-full of treasures and other things. just in case. and the filling up of the 50,000 chest starts now.
