deafeated
i am throwing in the towel. it is high time that i admit defeat. i am no longer going to fight with the great forces that restrict us and deprive us from the only joy we know at prison camp. *sigh* how sad is life for me.. (hihihihi..)
~~
conversations (sort of) at prison camp…
shenzee: making up for the months without chocolate, lurch? *looking at me stuffing my face with chocolates*
me: uhmm mmm… mmm.. uh huh.. *grins sheepishly* want some..
shenzee: nuh thanx..
me: *tosses two chocolate eggs over at shenzee* here.. EAT.
shenzee: whohohohoho…! thankx..
~~ 5 minutes later ~~
me: hmmmmmmm….
shenzee: hmmmm…
me: bored?
shenzee: hmmm…
me: yeah, me too…
shenzee: hmm…
me: are you asleep?
shenzee: hmmm…
me: hmmm…
shenzee: im sleepy..
me: me too…
shenzee: wehehehehe..to h3ll with the file! im tired..
me: im going to find myself a pet.
shenzee: mee tooo..!!
.: boredom is evident when things are restricted. tiredness takes over the minds of those who try desperately to concentrate. minds fly all over the place when tiredness prevails.. they should not have deprived us. look what you’ve done!! :.
forspent
sometimes people say things with so much conviction that you actually start to believe it could be true. it is during these moments that one is tested as to how stable his or her faith is in something. oftentimes shaky personalities just crumble and fall to the ground, trampled by the strength of the conviction.
im not too sure of my strength, but sometimes when these moments come, i begin to doubt everything around me. and that type of moment has come once again. i face it like a battered ship still raring to face the open sea. i dont know how long i will last, or if i will be strong enough. yet one thing remains to be clear, i must go on.
~~
right now im tired, close to a burn-out. it’s just been over a week since i came back to work, maybe i came back too soon. or not.. maybe im just tired of all the other aspects of my life other than my husband, and children. who knows..? all i know is that right now i just want to drift away.
i guess this is the beginning of everything else. i guess this is what life is from now until forever. sometimes i do not feel like smiling. that is so NOT me. i’m a laugher, im a regular chatterbox… but lately ive noticed that i find it rather hard to smile even at the greatest of jokes. what is wrong with me???
maybe i wish that some people would just lay off. i wish i would just disappear. but i cant, i know that. i have kids and a husband waiting for me at home. times are really hard, that im sure of, but do things have to get harder.
people are lucky to have others rooting for them when the going gets tough. me? i dont know anybody i can run to. the people i used to run to, gun me down when i attempt to get close to them. they have guard dogs that make me turn away even when i am just at a safe distance. oh well, i guess that’s life.
a person does need a friend.. and i have loads. but somehow, everybody is just too busy.. or i’m too busy at that. i have only two means of unloading, and that’s to blog and talk to God. i need a hug..
~~
as always.. simple things make me smile. even for a second, these cutesies have made me forget about my worries. CuteOverload
latez
un-called for thoughts
i wonder… i wonder how my friend is doing. my friend, Monica Elaine Bolodo, who i have not heard from in a long time is somewhere out there chasing her dream. and as ive heard, she has caught up with it more than once. mmm.. good for her.. 
hehehe
since we have not talked in a long time, i visited her blog and saw how far she had gone in her life. she’s been everywhere! and she has, indeed, accomplished a LOT. her accomplishments made me look at my own life right now and dissect it.
sure, i have a lot to be thankful about. in fact, i think i have gone far, too. in a sense that things have changed for me. and yes, paths go differently. she had her own path which she stuck to. and we’ve all had our hardships, and she did too, that much im sure. but still, i wonder if i will ever have the same strength and determination she has…? oh well..
~~ 
who wants to work on Sundays anyway? if i had the option not to turn up to work on sunday, i would definitely stay at home. why go to work on that one day of the week when you have had the rest of the week to do your job. *sigh* sometimes prison camp is just much too much. i guess i really have no choice but to show up on sunday if i want to keep my job. there are so many things i could do during those times like, say, take care of the babies, clean the room up, relax, go to sleep.. etc. hehe most especially, i just want to spend that day with my family. work is work..that’s fine, but i think everybody needs to set aside time for their loved ones. that is just a MUST.
~~
If you as parents cut corners, your children will too. If you lie, they will too. If you spend all your money on yourselves and tithe no portion of it for charities, colleges, churches, synagogues, and civic causes, your children won’t either. And if parents snicker at racial and gender jokes, another generation will pass on the poison adults still have not had the courage to snuff out.
- Marian Wright Edelman
Get rich or DIE trying
ranting about acquiring other means of income is one thing, and taking steps towards the goal is another thing. so, here is ME taking a baby step towards the goal.
my first step in my attempt to accomplish my goal is to “try and try, and try again.” there has to be determination and cunning, and research in order to start walking. since i have no idea what im going to do, i am going to scout all possibilities, and just try it out. who knows? i might just get lucky.
i think i might open another blog to work on especially since this is my personal blog. but maybe not right now. i still have to get things in line.
though everything seems so hazy right now… ive tried some ideas and i think i can come up with a compromise. hehe
latez
The desperate housewife
desperate times call for desperate measures.
right now i am on a mad streak to find a sideline job to put in extra cash to burn. i have lost too many nights of sleep thinking of means and ways to earn a little more. sure, my day job is not too bad. yet there is that drive for me to earn more. and i know i can do it. i guess the main question is how.
i have looked up, down, side-to-side, and even all over the Internet space just for freelance jobs that actually pay. so far, all my efforts have been fruitless. however, i am not going to give up.. right now, i am trying some joints found on alfa’s blog. it’s high time i get something out of the things i love to do. i know i do need some tweaking here and there with regard to my writing, but it is not impossible.
i know i have these moments of determination that usually leads with bouts of depression and giving up, but this time around i am determined even more. i know i can do this.
desperate times do call for desperate measures…
